Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
