I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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