I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
smell my finger.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
