Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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