sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
