I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
