Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
