Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
