I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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