She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
