hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
