who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
