Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
