There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
He had one of those small greek statue penises
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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