I can text with my tongue
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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