i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
