after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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