barbara walters just said penis...
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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