Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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