shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
