Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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