so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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