It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
