you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
i now understand why vodka
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
