i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
birth control should be required to get into college
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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