Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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