shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize