my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
