is your mom at the bar?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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