Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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