life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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