i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
