I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize