I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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