A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
