So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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