drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
