I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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