Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize