meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
