It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
