So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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