Your mouth is God's brothel.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
