I seem to have left my pride at pride
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
