Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Never let your siblings swipe right.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
