You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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