My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
