Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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