Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
