I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
