Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
