I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
