So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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