Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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